4 Ways I Know I'm Not a Cow or a Calf

Perhaps we are facing a confusion of identity. It seems logical to me that many humans mistakenly believe they are calves, needing and craving the milk of their mothers (cows) in order to lead some semblance of a normal life. Stuck in perpetual bovine adolescence, these humans mock the thought of drinking human breastmilk while reveling in the opportunity to consume all things dairy.

In order to make sure that I'm not the crazy one (I mean, there are literally billions of people that must think they're calves so it's a possibility that I'm off my rocker), I examined the differences between myself and cows to make sure I'm not losing my mind.